vivre sunday

…you call.

Dammit. You’re like a cocaine habit I can’t kick.

teenage angst?

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I

hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

I like my imaginary version of you more than I actually like you.

When something good or bad happens, I want to tell you, and I imagine what your reaction would be. Would you be supportive, would you not know what to say? Would you ask questions? Would you relate it to your own experiences?

But then I convince myself that I don’t need you. I don’t need to tell you the ups and downs of my life because I don’t know where I stand with you. That kind of relationship won’t work with us, and I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on you.

How long can I go on like this?

All I want from you is to feel me. I’m asking you to hold my heart in your hand. But I’m never going to say a word. All I really want to do is love you.

Love? I think that might be going too far.

I hate that whether I am happy or annoyed depends on whether he texts or calls me everyday. If he doesn’t text me back, I keep waiting for it. I am way too interested.

When is it considered a date?

Who pays? Agh!

Totally AWKWARD.

I need to fix this so he doesn’t think I’m a total loser. But at least he still called me, right?

A good thing, or a bad thing?

At 23, you’d think I would have gotten this down pat.

It’s Thursday today. Four days since he has called. What does that mean? Is he waiting for me to call? I know I said before to call me on the day and ask what if I wanted to hang out. And what was with all those summer activities he said we would do? He was planning to have me in his life at least in the short term future.

I hope I’m not some social experiement he’s doing to upgrade his skills. Although, as someone who owns his own business, isn’t he too busy for that?

in high school or university, you would have no qualms about getting to know new friends? Everyone is a student, most don’t have dark secrets or shady ulterior motives.

After graduation, your sample size exponentially increases to the point that you cannot determine who is good and who is bad. This person might be good, but how can you trust a stranger? How long can you talk, to the point that you trust them enough to stop talking, and start acting and making decisions about them? How long does it take to be comfortable around them?

I’m so torn. One minute I think he is a possbility but the next I find the whole idea repulsive.